Can you get to your future if your past is still present?
-Carrie Bradshaw
Everyone has a ghosts from their past that haunts them, right?
Typically, the beauty of being in a relationship for 8+ years is lack of baggage (i.e. ex-girlfriends, secrets, unfamiliar friends). The not so "beauty" for us is our little hiatus for 3 months which included a so called "ex" for each of us.
He has training down at Rucker for 12 days and lucky for me, I am able to be with him during this time. However, "her" presence haunts me down here. I have not seen her, but it tears at me just a little as I drive around this town. I hate that part of his life because I feel we let each other down as a couple and were not our true selves. I hate his memories without me here, only 3 months, cover up nearly 21 months of our memories together at his old house. Does this sound absurd?
I should not and will not be intimidated by her. I am better than that I know, actually we are better than that. I am not saying I am better than her, we fit together more perfectly. We are planning a future together and I have never been happier.
That being said, since I arrived here, I have been having the most vivid, crazy dreams about my "ex". I wake up totally freaked out and then smile as I wake up and see him peacefully sleeping next to me.
I feel the lack of closure in both of our previous relationships contributes to these ghosts. Getting back together was so all of a sudden that both of us failed to really end our other relationships. I also use the term "relationship" loosely.
Maybe it is a blessing I am down here, I feel I am confronting this head on. Maybe baggage will actually make us stronger. I hope writing it all down will help too.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The ghost of our past
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3 comments:
Hang in there, exes are always hard to deal with, no matter if they take up a lot of time or a little. I've had some nightmares myself and when I wake up all flustered and upset, seeing Jon still knocked out cold reassures me too. I'm sure your time there will have lots of new, awesome memories for you both :-) have a safe trip back when the training's over!
Oh I can only imagine how weird and hard that must be. Now that you two are back there together, hopefully you can make wonderful memories together to cover up the ghosts that are haunting you.
Hugs.
Court, i can totally relate to this post 100%. Mine and chris's 4 month(if that) hiatus just makes me hate everything about GA and ft. benning. I hate that he had good memories down there that don't include "us" being together. I know it sounds childish and selfish but i hate everything about it.
Chris didn't date anyone else but he did start talking (only for about a week) with someone and to even admit it tears me up inside. Actually i just got that special "im going to throw up now" feeling in my belly just thinking about it.
Obviously our getting back together wasn't as quick and the situation was different, but i feel like SO much happened in those couple months we didn't talk. You remember... it was the worst time of my entire life.
I am a firm believer that time heels all wounds so just remember to give it time... I hope you start feeling better - thinking of you.
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