Best Deployment Advice

"These deployments actually do come to an end"- MG

If I wrote down every emotion I felt before and after I saw him, I could fill pages. When we walked in the door of our home and enjoyed time with our wonderful family and friends (including CLR), I felt incredibly blissful.

At 3am, I felt a large arm wrap around me, I kind of gasped in fear, then realized as he pulled me in a little closer this is my new normal. And even though he's been asleep for the past 5 hours and will probably sleep until tomorrow morning when he has to report for Day Two of reintegration, I am still so happy to have him back.

Surreal...

Tonight I am going to bed by myself (well my girls, as always, will be with me) for the last time this deployment. You know when people say, someone pinch me? I think I need something a little more painful because I am trying to comprehend the whole reality of this.

I am in a much better place compared to my pouting days earlier this week. My family is here...my parents, his parents, his sister, his grandmother, and his brother and new fiance. Right now I am loving life, but really do not believe its true.

I love that my ladies I train counted down the days with me and when they saw me today, their energy and genuine excitement put me in such a great place, but still do not think he is REALLY coming home to me.

One last step tomorrow. I am hoping for smooth sailing, I know those two words contradict the Army, but one can hope and keep hoping.

Pout

I am currently pouting. Yes, I know, WHY IN GOD'S NAME am I pouting? This will be my last Sunday night alone. I am 99% done, my donut says "Leaving on a Jet Plane" and family starts arriving Wednesday.

But here I am, for some reason being Mrs. Frumpy Pants.

He can calm me like no other. Looking back on this deployment I was incredibly blessed to have some kind of communication with him almost every single day. Yesterday he took the first step in his long journey back home to me and I knew my favorite nightly chats would stop for a bit.

But cmon, I get him in person in just days! STOP pouting already.

I kind of did the same thing before R&R. His three days of traveling, we did not talk once and I began pouting just like I am tonight.

BUT HE IS COMING HOME IN LESS THAN 130 HOURS.

I think ultimately I am afraid of our next chapter. This deployment brought us so much closer, closer than we have ever been in 10 years together. I loved the sweet messages and emails. I spent all day trying to remember what our life was like living together before the "big D". Did we fight a lot? Were we as sweet together as we are now? Did I appreciate him as much as I do now?

Will I be a good wife? I spent the last 11.5 months being on my own. I did well taking care of myself, but now I go back to taking care of him too.

And the icing on my pouty cake, a "friend" of ours from flight school, who also happens to be married messaged me this morning to tell me she ran into him and "gave him a BIG hug for me". Thanks sweetheart, but I can hug him just fine when he gets home. She's another post for another time.

Normally I do not feel like this, I do not really vent in my blog because I typically vent to him and he makes it magically better. I tell him everything. It would go something like this 1) I tell him all of the above concerns 2) He solves each one individually 3) Then makes me laugh until my mouth hurts for being so ridiculous.

I AM BEING RIDICULOUS.

I know in just a few short days I will be in his arms and it will feel like heaven on earth, but right now I am nervous, scared, and definitely pouting.

If you would ask me 345 days ago how I would feel at this time, never, ever would I imagine this, but right now I would love to have someone here to shake some sense into me.

What yours is mine?

Another habit I probably should break before he comes home:

Our conversation today.

Him- When are you heading over to Leslie's?
Me- Probably around the time the trick or treaters show up since I forgot to buy candy.
Him- Haha, what? Are you going to hide from them?
Me- Yes that will be easy. I'll just hide in my room.
Him- Just hide in your room, huh? By any chance is that next to OUR room?
Me- Dang it!

I have been so use to saying my room, my house, my dogs and I do not mean to!

In other him news, I finally started the infamous "Donut of Misery" today. It read: 94% DONE! What a glorious time to start it :)

Myths about deployment

After talking with some of my favorite miltary wives here and nearing the end, we are all starting to burn out and reach the "I am over it" phase. While talking with them and other wives, I realized there are a few myths about deployment.

1. "Wow, he deployed X months ago. Time sure flies!"

No, I do not think so. Its been 10 months and to be honest, it FEELS like 10 months. Over 300 days without him and I went through all 24 hours of each of those days. Thank you.

2. "If you keep yourself busy, it will help"

I agree to an extent, but I worked 60 hours a week with 2 dogs and a house for a few months and I could not get everything done. As a result I stressed myself out. I know a few other working wives who feel the same way.

3. "A strong group of friends will help"

Now, do not get me wrong, without a few close friends here, who knows if I'd survive this long. In reality, only one person truly makes everything go away and only one person truly helps me in any situation. That is why I married him. With 90% of my Murphy's Law incidents, if he was around, I would not feel as though my world was crashing down in those moments.

4. "If you do X, X, and X, it will make it easier" or "It gets better with time"

Nope. The only thing that has made this process easier is one day at a time. There are no special remedies or no "it gets better with time". It doesn't get better with time. You just take it as it comes and smile a little bit longer at those bright spots in your day.


The truth is and recently I find myself saying it over and over again...Its ONE ENTIRE YEAR. Not everything is rosy, I will not always keep myself busy, I will not always feel glass half full.

And finally when I reach the end, myth #5 "You survived"

No, no, no. WE SURVIVED. I made a pact with God before he left that I could handle anything this deployment and to do whatever He wanted with me, but just keep my husband safe. Sure God tested me a few times, but I do not care, keep testing me just bring him home to me.

Almost there :)

Why I dislike deployment.

Today I lost power. When I walked in the door my house alarm would not stop going off. Every 2 minutes I needed to get up, punch in the code and turn it off.

My AC is digital and I cannot see the screen.

My garage door will not open.

I already took care of the alarm. Garage door and AC are on tomorrow's agenda. I will take care of these things, but I do not think I am good at it, nor do I like doing this.

He is much better at this kind of stuff.

I think I am done pouting for today.

Fight Like Hell

On my drive home Friday night (before the bad news), I called his sister like I typically do on my long drives and we chatted for a good hour.

She and her boyfriend hit a rough patch in their relationship. They reached their one year anniversary last week. And she does what I use to do way back in my 15, 16 year old days with my love. I stubbornly sat on the other side of the phone refusing to call him. Have I ever mentioned our first year together was something out of a bad teen relationship movie?

Our relationship improved mostly because I refused to give up. Yes, I will take a lot of credit and most days he even agrees. I told his sister on the phone, "This advice might shock you and I am sure your other girlfriends might not be telling you this, but you have to call him, so what if you call him more than he calls you, big deal. If its what you want, fight like hell".

Fight back.

Moving on to his mother. Well way back almost 9 years ago, we butted heads on our first meeting together and over the years, it happened a lot more. I would never dare say I hated her, but we really didn't get along.

That is until I started voicing my opinion. Through this deployment we talk almost everyday like best friends. She took me out to breakfast on Sunday and we discussed many things. The topic of Army came up and we disagreed on something. She said something bluntly and voiced her opinion. And back in the day I would curl up into a ball and let her comments eat at me. I snapped back and spoke my opinion. I did not back down.

And when I walked into my house yesterday, I received the sweetest email from her saying she is so proud of me and loves being a part of my life. I think she respects and truly loves the fighter in me.

Fight back.

Now his grandfather. Diagnosed with cancer last July. I, unfortunately did not worry for a minute. It is his grandfather! I mean this 80 year old lifts at the gym, hunts, walks, goes to Church every Sunday.

So when I found out last week his cancer doubled in size. I suddenly wished I prayed a little harder for him over the last year. When I visited him this weekend, I did not see a 80 year old with terminal cancer, I actually saw his grandfather, one of the toughest old men I've ever met. He looked surprisingly healthy and God, you better know he is not going down without a fight. Grandpa keep...

Fighting back.

Now my events through the past two weeks might not get some people down, but I definitely hit a very low point. I cannot explain what I felt happening to my body, to my emotions, to my mental state. Where did my spunk go? I spend a lot of my time and days concentrating on the positive. I am without a doubt an optimistic. On Saturday, I honestly wanted to give up...to cry, to lock myself in my room until his mid tour. On my drive Sunday I continued to tell myself...

Fight back.

And Daisy. Tomorrow is judgement day. His wonderful mother and my wonderful mother will be taking her to a specialist together. She is my pistol, my ball of energy and humor, and I do not even need to tell her...

Fight back.

Because I know my dog will fight like hell.

Today, after three weeks, I received my first, new account at work. The love of my life surprised me with a plane ticket to Tampa Bay so I do not have to spend 24 hours in the car this weekend. And last night I slept for a continuous 7 hours for the first time in 10 nights.

And even though I truly believe Daisy will be OK, if you could, send a few prayers or good luck thoughts her way, I know we both will appreciate them.

Seriously

I really hate trying to play "poor me", but I just really want remember the lowest point of this deployment, how I handled it, and more importantly how I trucked through it.

That being said...

I fell rollerblading yesterday. Tripped over Dakota. And while meeting with a client I decided for some reason to drive over the parking curb. I began to laugh at myself and said, this will get better.

I think I may have been off just a little...

His wonderful mother met a vet appointment at her vet's office. Dr Jones is a good family friend and adores not only me, but him. He coached my love in soccer for years and their kids grew up together. As soon as I saw him I gave him a big hug.

Before he entered the room, Daisy did her usual staring. Only I noticed she looked VERY creepy. One of her pupils was so tiny and the other was normal size. I asked his mother, "Doesn't she look weird". Now this dog stares at me all of the time, so I truly believe this is the first time I noticed this.

Dr. Jones walked in and I pointed out her eye. He looked a little confused and pulled her onto the examining table and said he needed to go get a few more tools. Well Miss Daisy jumped off the table and into the Doctor's area. I apologized and Dr. Jones said he actually wanted the doctors to look at her eyes. I laughed, walked back into the room.

I immediately turned around to see 3 doctors surrounding her in addition to a tech holding her down. I made a joke to his mom, "Oh they do not want to tell the crazy dog lady something is terribly wrong with her dog".

Dr. Jones walked in and it did not look good. He seemed very confused by her eye. He said something is pushing her pupil forward in the back of her head. Fungal disease is common in huskies and other wolf like dogs.

I continued to nod and said, what every other owner would say, "What does this mean?"

His response, "I want to wait and see, but Courtney, I do not want to even go there just yet, let's just say it's not good, worse case scenario". Dr. Jones knowing me immediately grabbed the kleenex box.

And 1 hour later, I am still crying.

Dr. Jones told me to wait until Monday to see what happens with her eye. Right now Dak is over with his parents and my parents are spoiling Daisy rotten.

If there is any silver lining in any of this, I mean what are the chances that not only am I sitting in the vet's office when I notice this, but his mother happens to know a dog eye specialist's home number since her own bulldog went there a few times.

Screw you Murphy.

Week Sixteen...Week Seventeen

I am OVER it. So over it.

When I finally sat down today, my dad called to tell me he didn't think he could watch the dogs next weekend. I had my first complete and utter breakdown since he left 17 weeks ago.

My past two weeks

Work

Broke not 1, but 2 printers and honestly sat on the phone for one hour yesterday while our IT guy tried to explain how to upload the MP feeder. Yeah, not going to happen, just send someone to fix it. I don't have the time or patience for it, but yet he kept trying to explain this impossible task to me.

I forgot my password one week after working. Keep in mind I type this password in 20 times a day minimum and had to call IT.

And of course my suspended license

Money

I have never been good with money or budgeting. I glance at my accounts online every once in a blue moon. I realized my first check did not automatically deposit, four days after the fact. I am also in between switching banks and thought I had all my ducks in a row until today. I remembered my car payment came out of my account that I am closing, so I bounced my first "check" and am now in the negative.

And when does it end? Bridesmaid dresses, vet appointments, race registrations, even sending care pacakges. Sometimes I wish it really did grow on trees, at least every once in awhile.

My dogs

Well it all started with the thought of boarding them two weeks ago. Oh yeah, did you know that cost money too?!

After raving about my favorite Nine West high heels I bought 6 years ago for $100 (my most expensive clothing purchase ever) to my friend Kristyn, I began packing for the wedding. And when I reached for the shoes, one was missing. I looked underneath my bed, also known as Daisy's cave, and saw the right one absolutely destroyed in her mouth.

I also hate dog hair and Daisy's hair is just out of control and almost overwhelming. When I am not at work, I am following her around the house with my vacuum.

Sunday night after an exhausting weekend, I came home to Daisy and her brand new urinary tract infection. She peed on my carpet for the first time since October. And then again on the kitchen floor and then on the dining room floor. During the night, she woke me up every 2 hours to go outside. Sometimes we made it outside, other times we did not.

Three nights later...I am still waking up every 2 hours with her. Vet appointment is scheduled for Saturday, once my check deposits. Again you need money to see the vet.

Him

After one of the best weekends since he left, I ached the entire ride back home with thoughts of missing him. I loved I was a part of their special day, but these are his friends and it just wasn't the same without him.

I also did not hear from him all week, which I am ok with, but I just needed him a little more this week than normal. And of course the whole "I email you every single night and you cannot just hit reply" mentality came bubbling up to the surface.


I mowed the grass a week ago and it needs to be cut again, like badly. I did not run once this week. My bridesmaid dress still has not come in (wedding next weekend) and I spent a good part of the week talking with numerous representatives at the bridal online store. His grandfather's cancer just doubled in size and we really doubt he will make it to his R&R. I was looking forward to driving home this weekend and leaving my dogs there all next week since I am out of town next weekend for my best friend's wedding and just really need a break. And believe it or not, I was looking forward to cleaning my house, like REALLY clean. Then my dad called and said next week might not workout.

Enter: tears

I do not think he knew those few, simple sentences could do that much damage, but there is some baggage behind it.

I hate playing the "poor me" card, but I am just so over the deployment right now.

I did realize through of this that the love of my life really does make everything go away, I absolutely love the friends in my life, I am actually pretty good at my job, I love cupcakes, and my dad will do anything for me. Like promise me ice cream tomorrow night.

I guess if this is the worst of it, I am still alive and kicking. And it can only get better, right?

A very personal entry.

I do not think I opened up this much before in my blog, but I never, ever want to forget this moment...

After months, no probably years of begging him to start a blog, to write all of his emotions down and reap the benefits I do of expressing all of yourself, he sent me his first entry.

He, like no one else can, put tears in my eyes, tears of happiness.

He is such a beautiful writer, not for the things he writes about me, which I will share, but the way he describes things and truly speaks from the heart. He wrote a long entry, but I picked out bits and pieces to share here.

From the beginning.

I am not exactly sure how to begin. Someone very close to me finds refuge in her words online and the support of a community that I don't really understand but probably should. So therefore I promised her that I would write down some of my thoughts and experiences while I left everything I know and love to go somewhere far away from home and far away from anything I could ever imagine.

So I did the academy thing. Made some great friends, have a ton of memories but that is entirely a whole other topic by itself. So I go back to my decision in high school.

There is someone very important i forgot to mention. MY FIRST, MIDDLE, LAST NAME. Who believe it or not is the basis for many of the decisions in my life. She is beautiful. She is smart. She is emotional. She loves sports and looks great naked so for any man not to be in love with her would be a crime. And as much as tough, bad ass, high school me would like to deny it I was in deep. I don't know why but I was and still am today. But I think I'm doing alright. So anyways she put more thought into my future than I did. I would call it more our future. I didn't think much about my future let alone our future but I did know that she was special and I did know that I was going to do all that I could to make myself happy and not lose her. This was a tough decision but I told her I was going to wp. I don't think either of us knew what it meant or that it would be the decision that kept us together.

So we were part of the two percent and I graduated WP. Like I said before tons of memories, nothing but good times, and countless friendships that would re manifest themselves in the most trying of times. So here is the basis for my story. A few years back I made a decision that would change my life forever. And now I will try to tell the rest of the story.

I arrived at FC about early July with a girl that I was not happy with. I was getting ready to go to war and had so much bitterness and anger towards her. She knew it, I knew it, and I was tempted to say fuck it and just leave it all behind. But, after months of "living the dream" on my own, which was not bad at all, I realized that there was only one thing in this world that made my happy. And no matter how much anger or resentment I had towards her, it could never defeat the love and memories and connection that we have. The reason this is important is because that day I regained my clarity, my good luck charm, my best friend, and my smokin hot girlfriend.

So I let my anger go and focused on the future for us and for me.

Now for the Afghanistan part.

Nothing can prepare you for that day. No matter how many times you pack your stuff you always think you are missing something. You always wonder if you are prepared, are you ready, do you know what to expect. The funny thing about it is you know exactly what to expect but you push it to the back of your head. You prepare for the worst and at the same time hope for the best. You take everything you know and love, everything that makes your life worth living and put it on hold. You say goodbye to everything you know and love, pet your dog one more time, and go to war. Why do you do it, I don't think anyone knows. It sounds great to say you do it for your country, or that you do it for 9/11, but the reality is you just do it. Less than a tenth of a percent of Americans will ever deploy to a combat zone. They will never feel what it is like to say goodbye to something to know that they may never return. Or that next Sunday they wont be able to have a beer and watch the football game. I am not saying this is something they miss out on, but it is something you cannot replicate. I cannot describe the feeling of having your entire family at your house and then driving with you to drop you off. Its almost a sick feeling, you think of everything you are going to miss. All at once you ask yourself what the hell am I doing, why am I doing this. There is no answer but you go, draw your weapon, take your pictures, hug your your family and tell them goodbye, and get on the bus.

I havent talked to Brandon in years and unfortunatly was able to talk to him the other day when a helicopter we were escorting made a "hard landing" and burned to the ground within seconds. What do you say to a guy that you knew for years and stood next to in the huddle while you circle overhead and watch him pickup the pieces of a burnt helciopter hoping that their patrol doesnt get ambushed. In 45 hours I have come to realize a few things. My generation is fighting the so called war on terror. The wp class of 2006 is bait for terrorists. They live on mountain sides trying to fight for a people that they have no interest in. Handcuffed by ROE and an enemy that has no rules. We fight the best that we can and sometimes we lose but we come back everyday bring the fight so that we draw them to us. So that is all I have for now, more to follow, keep doing good things for the country and I send all my love back home for friends, family, corkyshell, dak, and daisy.



He really helpd me gain an idea of what he goes through over there besides the "good day" or "bad day" conversations we carry on weekly. God bless him, he is definitely my hero.

Avoid

Today it finally clicked in my head, I am right smack in the middle of a deployment. I heard a few times, "You seem to be handling yourself very well".

My secret: AVOIDANCE

I avoid letting my feelings get away from me. I avoid the concept of going through another winter, spring, summer, and fall before I even get remotely close to him coming home. I avoid day dreams of curling up next to him and watching our favorite television shows together.

One day at a time...However, I cannot and will not avoid how unbelievably lucky I am. And all this time away will be worth it when I get to see him again.

On a different topic, I attempted to read three different books in the past week and threw them all back onto the shelves. I really love reading. I enjoy how it takes me away from reality. I read a lot while visiting different people with him during block leave. Everyone continued to ask the same questions, so I would hide away in a book and felt so much better about everything.